You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALLOne day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALL