Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
BILL ENGVALLI swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL