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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’

Bill Bailey

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
BILL BAILEY

College Jobs Thinking Time Whole
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
BILL BAILEY

Laughing Lavender Orange
I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
BILL BAILEY

Chocolate Despair Disappointment
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Outcome Three
There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEY

Couple Funny Hold Humor Position
I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEY

Existentialist Funny Humor
I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
BILL BAILEY

Disappointment Kinder Surprise
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Rocks Whine
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
BILL BAILEY

Easier Enough Happiness Thinking Undeniable
My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
BILL BAILEY

Beautiful Guitar Tremendous Value Vintage
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
BILL BAILEY

Confused Funny Philosophical
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEY

Eight Funny Humor Light Screw
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Keyboard Loose Sound
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
BILL BAILEY

Funny God Humor Thank
I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
BILL BAILEY

Ducks Funny Humor Strict
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
BILL BAILEY

Department Funny Humor Organization

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’

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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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