“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”

I once got sacked for laughing … mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.

I’m glad I’m not bisexual. I couldn’t stand being rejected by men as well as women.

If you want to drink, have a drink… if you want to drive, then drive… there’s nothing worse than having a smash sober.

I’m not saying my mother-in-law is fat – because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I’ve got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you’re 71 years old. People just think I’m a silly old fool.

You are what you eat…..I’ve eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn’t believe

I’m a last-minute shopper. I end up at the mall or somewhere on Christmas Eve. It’s a shame.

One thing I love about Christmas music is that it has a tradition of warmth.

I was at the vice president’s Christmas party. I thought that his speech was spectacular, and I knew that it was a very emotional and difficult thing for him to do, but I admonished him for not waiting just one more stinking day.

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

The truth is the Super Bowl long ago became more than just a football game. It’s part of our culture, like turkey at Thanksgiving and lights at Christmas, and like those holidays – beyond their meaning – a factor in our economy.

I mean, what’s he doing now? He’s evolving. Evolving? Well, evolve for Christ’s sake! And this is a guy – the whole gay community, and the whole environmental community and all these other people said, he’s our guy.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

For Christmas when I was about four I got given ‘Can the can’ by Susie Quatro, so that was the first record I got. And I got Skyhooks “Ego is not a Dirty Word….