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I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring.

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Boy Cutting Give Home Jewelry Married Mood Ring Wedding

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If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.
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What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
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I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.
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I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women.
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My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
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Just to p-s you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’
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The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
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My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
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The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’
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The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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One day in the shower, you figure it out. It’s a special day in a man’s life. I was like, ‘Oh, I found me a hobby.’
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Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
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Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
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My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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