Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
BILLY CONNOLLYA fart is just your arse applauding.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLY







