This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
BILL ENGVALLAnd isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL -
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL







