You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALLMy wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL -
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL -
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALL -
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALL -
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL -
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL -
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL -
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALL -
I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
BILL ENGVALL -
I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
BILL ENGVALL -
I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL -
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
BILL ENGVALL -
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL -
I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
BILL ENGVALL -
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALL







