You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALLI called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL