“I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.”

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.

I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’

The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.

I anticipate that Apple’s fingerprint reader will in fact make iPhone 5S owners more likely to secure their smartphones.

Everyone wants an iPhone, but it would be impossible to design an iPhone in China because it’s not a product; it’s an understanding of human nature.

On a plane or on a train, or whatever, you see people with their headphones and they’re looking at their iPhone or their Galaxy.

More and more people are watching entertainment on their phones.

You can shoot and edit a movie from your iPhone and upload it to YouTube.

After the Apple II was introduced, then came the Commodore and the Tandy TRS-80.

My primary phone is the iPhone. I love the beauty of it. But I wish it did all the things my Android does, I really do.

Everything that has a computer in will fail. Everything in your life, from a watch to a car to a radio, to an iPhone, it will fail if it have a computer in it.