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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

Bill Engvall

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL

Gas Lasts Sides Stations
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Jumping
The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Crunchy Girl Locked Rabbit
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Two
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Heart Men
I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALL

Age Aware Barometric Comic Destiny Pressure
I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Nope Poring Sign Talking
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALL

Gutters Honey Light
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Around Attendant Looked Resist Swelled Walk
My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Hope Hunt Purchase Sign
I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALL

Daughter Goes No Pick Puts Wife
As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Rooms
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Destiny Texas

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

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