Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
BILLY CONNOLLY







