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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

Billy Connolly

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  In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.

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  Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

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  A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.

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  There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.

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  [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.

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  I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.

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  Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

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  The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.

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  Don’t vote, it only encourages them.

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  I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.

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  I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.

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