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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

Billy Connolly

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  I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.

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  American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

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  I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.

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  I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

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  Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’

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  The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.

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  I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly

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  I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.

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  Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

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  When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?

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  Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

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  For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.

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  I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

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  The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

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  I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

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