I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
BILLY CONNOLLYI loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
BILLY CONNOLLY






