“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”

I once got sacked for laughing … mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.

I’m glad I’m not bisexual. I couldn’t stand being rejected by men as well as women.

If you want to drink, have a drink… if you want to drive, then drive… there’s nothing worse than having a smash sober.

I’m not saying my mother-in-law is fat – because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I’ve got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you’re 71 years old. People just think I’m a silly old fool.

You are what you eat…..I’ve eaten so many fat cunts you wouldn’t believe

Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart…filled it, too, with melody that would last forever.

Advent: the time to listen for footsteps – you can’t hear footsteps when you’re running yourself.

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so. – Stephen Leacockof Christmas trees around the house, so it smells good.

The next thing I wrote was in a writing class at night school. It was about a poor woman who worked at a dime store and who was all alone for Christmas in Laurel, Mississippi.

Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us…

You can’t allow the forces of political correction to shut you up. I mean, why are people afraid to say, ‘Merry Christmas?’ Give me a break. If people don’t like it, yeah, they can go do something else.

Criticism can never instruct or benefit you. Its chief effect is that of a telegram with dubious news. Praise leaves no glow behind, for it is a writer’s habit to remember nothing good of himself.