“I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA: seventy-nine!”

We’ll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah… it’s just not enough is it?

The attitude of unhappiness is not only painful, it is mean and ugly.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad…that’s a little bit overdoing it.

If you meet somebody who says he or she has never dreamed of flying, I don’t believe you. I mean, they’re lying.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: “I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.”

I’m not the Carter who’ll never tell a lie.

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I’ll prove it to you. You’re at a ball game or a concert, and someone’s really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?

All your beliefs, they’re just that. They’re nothing. They’re how you were taught and raised. That doesn’t make ’em real.

God has this…hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs…shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a ‘well-regulated militia’?

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, “Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.” This guy was reaching.

I love talking about Kennedy assassination…a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government…sorry, wrong meeting.

I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I’d get pulled over by the cops, I’d be so drunk I’d be out dancing to their lights thinking I’d made it to another club.

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you’ve got the money!

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

Call me patch. I mean it. Call me.

Reparations would mean the end of scarfing hot dogs on the Fourth of July while denying the facts of our heritage.

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.

Being gritty doesn’t mean not showing pain or pretending everything is O.K. In fact, when you look at healthy and successful and giving people, they are extraordinarily meta-cognitive. They’re able to say things like, ‘Dude, I totally lost my temper this morning.’ That ability to reflect on yourself is signature to grit.

The archangel.” i murmured. Looking back over my shoulder at the ride, which had started its next ascent. “it means high-ranking angel.” there was a definite smugness to his voice. “the higher up, the harder the fall.

Every single line means something.

What do drawings mean to me? I really don’t know. The activity absorbs me. I forget everything else in a way that I don’t think happens with any other activity.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.