“I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’”

My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.

The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

I fondled you. You fondled me. I sucked you. You sucked me. And out of nowhere, the rivers began to flow.

It sucks to lose everything your heart beats for.

We’re living in a very tricky world, and unless we become analytical and expose the tricknology, people will become sucked into that. It is very easy, it is very, very easy.

You gotta start your journey. It may suck, but eventually you will come out the other side on top.

But when once the earth has sucked up a dead man’s blood, there is no way to raise him up.

Capital is dead labour, which, vampire like, lives only by sucking living labour, and lives the more, the more labour it sucks.

Capital is dead labour, which, vampire like, lives only by sucking living labour, and lives the more, the more labour it sucks.

Single life is so overrated. It sucks.