Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
BILL ENGVALLThe older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
BILL ENGVALL