“The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.”

The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.

My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.

The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.

God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

The end of the First World War had thrown Germany’s youth into great turmoil. The reins of power had fallen from the hands of a deeply disillusioned older generation, and the younger ones drew together in larger and smaller groups to blaze new paths or, at least, to discover a new star to steer by.

The body is forever teaching us lessons. There are all sorts of things that we can’t do, shouldn’t do, had better not do very often or do for too long as we get older. The body makes its presence known.

The Christian life doesn’t get easier as one gets older.

I’ve had to live with women all my life. I grew up with four older sisters, and I was the baby and the only boy.

I found a greater identity with my own emotions in the Armenian culture as I grew older.

There will always be those who must look into the dark in order to see.

The older you are, I think you realize what you enjoy and what you don’t need, what wears you out and what’s important.

That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.