“have you ever noticed how a man orders food at a fast-food drive-through window? … men have an innate desire to be cute while placing their order through the drive-through microphone.”

Is there stop ‘n’ go counseling for couples on the run?

It’s as if they believe the invisible mike on the plastic menu screen is actually connected to a standup comedy stage somewhere in the recesses of the restaurant.

An intriguing mind is a powerful aphrodisiac.

So he’s above the law because he’s a celebrity or something. Just because you’re Russell Crowe doesn’t mean you can do whatever you like.

the teenage zone: the stage when an adolescent’s brain synapses quit firing while the rest of their body races toward adulthood.

This makes readers feel hurt and worried for the characters. The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren’t the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.

I don’t normally watch films I’m in because I’m squeamish about that and it takes me quite a long time to recover and I have to go to work. I’m not being coy or cute, but it’s just true.

Authors also create lovable, friendly characters, then proceed to do terrible things to them, like throw them in unsightly librarian-controlled dungeons.

My love for you is past the mind, beyond my heart, and into my soul.

Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently.

I was born fat and have always been, which was just fine and even healthy and cute until I turned ten or so. Puberty hit like a hurricane and brought a new set of rules. All of a sudden it was my fault I was chubby.

Life is short and so is money.