“One time my mom tried to ground me, but that lasted 15 minutes.”

I’d say mostly I paint hot chicks.

Actually, I’ve always wanted to be a professional skateboarder ever since I was about six.

I’m on a lot of airplanes, so I just sip on red wine thinking of stupid ideas and, when I think of it, I wanna make it happen.

I’ve been doing pranks my whole life, so I guess I’m pretty good at it.

I like geography. I could tell you the capital of any country you want.

I’m a regular at a hospital in Pennsylvania. The Riddle Hospital in Media, Pennsylvania.

Seeing people get messed up never gets un-funny! And there’s plenty of ways to do that.

I got addicted to Tetris, playing it in my basement, I was missing all these airplane flights over it. After the fourth one that I missed, I realized I needed to get rid of this thing – so ever since then, I don’t play video games any more.

These trees and these old people have one thing in common – they’re both going in the ground soon!

Sometimes I wake up, I feel like, I’m like 80-years-old.

When you’re drunk, you always think you’re not. If you even drink at all don’t get behind the wheel.

I skate all the time, but it’s silly for me to do contests when MTV is giving me a boatload of money.

Skateboarding teaches you how to take a fall properly. If you try to kickflip down some stairs, it might take you thirty tries – and you just learn how to take a tumble out of it without getting hurt.

It’s kinda all about image.

Life’s philosophy, hm… I just say, ‘Do what you do and have fun doing it and try not to be too miserable.’

I want to make my own movie.

I’ve been given a second chance in life, and I don’t want to let a minute go by without enjoying it.

During the shooting of a scene the director’s eye has to catch even the minutest detail. But this does not mean glaring concentratedly at the set.

America looks 10 minutes ahead; Japan looks 10 years.

But when I know that the glass is already broken, every minute with it is precious.

So much of a stand-up’s life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes.

Truth has no finality to it. It is not something to be held on to. Truth is discovered minute to minute or not at all.

A few minutes ago, you knew who you were-you had a history and a personality-but from this place of not knowing, you question all of that.

You know, an hour and fifty-four minutes is too much for audiences. They get nervous.