“You’re not in competition with other women. You’re in competition with everyone.”

Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.

I can’t possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody’s business and I’ll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.

Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it’s only because I struggle with math.

Every kid has something they’re good at, that you hope they find and gravitate toward.

I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.

I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Joseph and Mary did – Traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

In real life, people in the most dire situations must cope through humor.

If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

When a man plays a woman in a dress, you’re halfway there. It’s inherently funny. When a woman plays a man, for whatever reason, it’s not that instant kind of funny.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions… Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

Don’t be too precious or attached to anything you write. Let things be malleable.

Obviously the power of the Times is discouraging. It’s killing new plays, demolishing one after another.

Comics know that they do best. They might not be best to rewrite to another person’s comedy, but they know what is best for them. Luckily,

Closeness to another person is like a fear of falling off a building to me. It’s really, like, physically painful, and it’s a brand of crazy I don’t appreciate having.

Every writer I had ever known wrote his best work when he had his back up against the wall and thought he would never write another word.

They think they’ll find another way. I’m not so sure. It seems like her book views immortality as a dangerous desire.

Humans have always believed in the possibility of another life, of a second act.

All the empirical evidence suggests that the rich tend to consume a lower proportion of income than middle and lower-income people.

I’d never hurt another person.