“Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!”

As a source of innovation, an engine of our economy, and a forum for our political discourse.

I don’t know how many of you have been to New York, but if a building is two blocks away from anything, you can’t see it.

If you control the flow of information, you can control the conversation around important issues. If you can control the conversation, you can change this country.

creates jobs all over the world, and makes life easier for millions of Americans.

And when you hit him, he runs to the teacher and says, ‘Teacher, sue him.’

Minnesotans lost their jobs because the credit rating agencies didn’t do the only job they’re supposed to have.

And the agencies concluded that the Russians had a clear preference for President Trump.

Part of the middle class promise is that, after a lifetime of hard work, you’ll be able to retire and enjoy the fruits of that labor.

I’m a perfectionist and if I start making changes, I’ll never stop.

Whining is anger through a small opening.

The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had.

Having an actual income can expand your romantic horizons toward the more appealing end of the spectrum.

Bill Clinton is the greatest president of the 20th century because I played touch football with him.

My dad was a terrible businessman.

If you look at terrorists, they really have no sense of humor.

Well, I think that there’s a value to comedy in and of itself.