“I always tell people that if you really want to know somebody, they should listen to that person’s interview with me. I spend a lot of time with my guests.”

Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. And it requires the ability to scrape your sorry ass up off the floor, stumble to your feet.

If you ever needed to ruin someone’s fun, I mean really poop a party, just move things to the workplace. Fun terminated.

I can tell you this: Stand-up is not glamorous.

A belief in feminism is a belief in personal freedom.

Real success and accomplishment, at whatever it is you are passionate about, requires real work.

I love being married. I love my husband. I think married people always have that thing where they think that the grass is greener on the single side, but all my single friends are like,

Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough.

I’m such a geek, and have always been a real nerd.

I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry.

“You are going to fail, and anyone who is success has powered through many, many failures.”

Am I going to complain about being typecast as smart? I don’t think so.

“Trust me, you don’t want to have to actually interact with these people.”

I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.

I’m the kindest, most supportive friend ever, probably to my own detriment, but I hope that I am toughening up a little bit.

I have one girlfriend who is dating right now – she’s divorced – and she’s on Tinder, so we play Tinder. I know that’s not a real game, but it’s my favorite thing to do.

TV always wants more people to be watching.