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I will say that stand-up is my first love; it’s how I got started and is in my bones.

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Bone First How Love Say Stand Started Up

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

So much of a stand-up’s life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes.
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Doing Funny Life Live Minute Much Quick Radio Sou Spot Stand Stranger Surgical Three
It is hard, it lasts all day, the lighting is generally fluorescent, and, apparently, drinking at your desk is frowned upon.
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Apparently Day Desk Drink Fluorescent Frown Generally Hard Last Lighting Upon
I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.
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Country Dehydrate Grade Green Most Seventh Smelling Spent Summer
When I get old and slow down I want to look behind me and see all the fire and the wreckage and no stone left unturned.
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Behind Fire Look Old Slow Sown Stone Want
I was not one of those people who wanted to be a comedian when I was growing up. I liked comedy, but didn’t know it was something you could do for a living.
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College Comedian Growing Kid Loving People Up Wanted
I always tell people that if you really want to know somebody, they should listen to that person’s interview with me. I spend a lot of time with my guests.
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Always Guest Interview Know Listen People Person Really Somebody Tell Want
I don’t want to be pandered to, so I try not to pander.
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Pander So Try Want
Pop culture is great, but it can be bad, at times.
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Bad Culture Great Pop Time
I really do know football.
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Do Football Know Really
I don’t know if I was always an open person, but I think stand-up comics specifically have this way of running towards embarrassing things.
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Always Embarrassing Open People Person Running Specially Thing Thinking Toward
I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry.
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Control Doing Inventing Lying Myself Olympic Phone Visualize Wave Win Winning
I can tell you this: Stand-up is not glamorous.
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Glamorous Stand Tell Up
So everything is all the same job in my eyes, and I don’t want to ever give up any part of it.
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Ever Everything Give Job Part Same Want
Successful people just don’t let failure define them or keep them from doing what they want to do. For example, I’d have people come up to me after my shows, and they’d say they want to do stand-up but are scared they’re going to fail. I’d tell them,
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Define Doing Example Failure Keep People Scare Show Fall Successful Want
I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.
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Attract Before Douch Drunken Married Thinking
I don’t want to be pandered to, so I try not to pander.
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Pander Time Trying Want

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