“Even Napoleon had his Watergate.”

We have a good time together, even when we’re not together.

The only color I don’t have is navy brown.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.

I didn’t know much about golf growing up.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

What difference does the uniform make? You don’t hit with it.

I guess the first thing I should do is thank everybody who made this day necessary.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Losing is a learning experience. It teaches you humility. It teaches you to work harder. It’s also a powerful motivator.

There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.

80 percent of the balls that don’t reach the hole, don’t go in.

I guess I’ve got a smart wife.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it’s hospitality.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.