“What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!”

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.

I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.

I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.

I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

I love to believe that there’s one god but there’s many different religions so there’s just the question of which long distance company you pick.

The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don’t let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, ‘Well, why’d you put this spoon in this drawer then?’ ‘

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’

You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren’t.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

Man knows so much and does so little.

Been in this game one-hundred years, but I see new ways to lose ’em I never knew existed before.

You don’t know where you’re swimming to. Everything’s blurry.

All customer expectations are only what you and your competitor have led him to expect. He knows nothing else.

Well, you know, ‘Spaceballs’ is a weird combination, because it’s a simple, sweet little fairytale, and it’s crazy and out-there and making fun of and taking apart sci-fi, ‘Star Wars’, and ‘Star Trek’.

You don’t really know how beautiful a girl is, until you meet her, all her beauty is in her personality.

I know that life is really finding the right relationship between yourself and God.

When I am working on a problem, I never think about beauty but when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.