“I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?”

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

There is absolutely a side of me that people don’t know. I’m not myself on Snapchat or Instagram. That’s totally not me.

Be humble, or you’ll stumble.

I think you are who you are, and your kids will see who you are. So you’d better be a good person, because they are going to see it, and that’s going to shape them. They are going to become you.

Suicides are timid murderers. Masochism instead of Sadism.

It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get a little nasty.

Style is a display of character. It’s also a great way to express yourself and the ladies like it.

The real Da’wah to Islam is the character of a Muslim.

Example has more followers than reason. We unconsciously imitate what pleases us, and approximate to the characters we most admire.