“Running my show is really like an actor being in repertory but where, in one day in one performance, you do scenes from a drama, a farce, a low comedy and a tragedy.”

Japanese is sort of a hobby of mine, and I can get around Japan with ease.

I love my own coincidences and love to hear other peoples’ stories.

I live a sensible life. You know, I don’t take on too much.

Every comic can report a few ‘gift from the gods’ moments.

I don’t think anyone ever gets over the surprise of how differently one audience’s reaction is from another.

I have a long list of things that make me mad.

Comedians are sometimes resentful of their writers. Probably because it’s hard for giant egos to admit you need anyone but yourself to be what you are.

Show people tend to treat their finances like their dentistry. They assume the man handling it knows what he is doing.

I’m not freakishly short. I had, on my show, used shortness as a joke subject; it didn’t really bother me.

I get a kick out of people saying I was funny.

I feel sorry for the poor kids whose parents feel they’re qualified to teach them at home. Of course, some parents are smarter than some teachers, but in the main I see home-schooling as misguided foolishness.

Home schooling as an idea is on a par with home dentistry.

It was well after college that I learned about depression. I got my first job for Jack Paar. I realized I was sleeping 14 hours a day and just living for the Paar show.

Every time I nostalgically try to regain my liking of John McCain, he reaches into his sleaze bag and pulls out something malodorous.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew’s and Albert Einstein’s.

To call New York’s traffic at holiday time a nightmare is to understate.

If one limb of the body is defected or inflicted with, disease, the whole feels that pain. Some way if any department, minister or official of the state is faulty, the whole country is effected. An administrator should try hard to curb it.

Everyone’s God is One.

Poverty, disease, sorrow, imprisonment and other evils are the fruits borne by the tree of one’s own sins.

One of the most mysterious of semi-speculations is, one would suppose, that of one Mind’s imagining into another

The next generation has always been and will be better than the previous one. If it is not, then the world would not be moving forward.

One who is in search of knowledge should give up the search of pleasure and the one who is in search of pleasure should give up the search of knowledge.

The memory of my own suffering has prevented me from ever shadowing one young soul with the superstition of the Christian religion.

In relationship there are always two types of person: one weaker and the other stronger one. It’s never easier to live being as weaker one!