“I read to my kid, but I can’t stand reading.”

Girls are soft and pretty.

I really do enjoy making movies and I try to test myself on occasion with some different stuff.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

I can’t run a company… I can’t even run my own life!

Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.

I never had a speech from my father ‘this is what you must do or shouldn’t do’ but I just learned to be led by example. My father wasn’t perfect.

I think I’m playing grown up because I have kids now. But I don’t feel grown up yet.

My kids don’t have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. And when I die, they’re $4 million in the hole.

I don’t know what drives me to succeed. I know I want to always do the best I can.I guess I was maybe in little league baseball as far as I wanted to be good at that. But school, I certainly wasn’t the best at that.

Mama says that, happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you’re feeling blue.

I’ve always wanted to do a family movie.

I say things, like every other parent, that reminds you of your own parents. One thing I do know about being a parent, you understand why your father was in a bad mood a lot.

My buddies, we’ve always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out – that’s the goal.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

Comedy, such a lovely lady, she’ll pick you up, you your feeling blue.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink. Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.

Chloroform unfit children. Show them the same mercy that is shown beasts that are no longer fit to live.

I kid around a lot, but pranks are not my best strength!

Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.

Carrying a baby is the most rewarding experience a female can enjoy. A father shares in that experience, knowing that he caused it to happen.

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they are going to catch you in next.

At age 11, I went to a Jewish school. I speak Yiddish. I’m Church of England Protestant. My father was Catholic, and my mother was Protestant. My wife is a Muslim.

It is not your fault for falling in love with the wrong person. It is easy to mistake familiarity for love, if the love you received as a child was flawed.