“I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.”

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Chain letters are the postal equivalent of intestinal flu: you get it and pass it along to your friends.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

So, I got a lot of recruitment letters from track.

Letters should be easy and natural.

You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.

The overall similarity is probably in the mentality of law enforcement officers. There’s a sense of wanting to really uphold a sense of morality and make sure that the laws are enforced to the letter, whenever possible.

Truth is not only a man’s ornament but his instrument; it is the great man’s glory, and the poor man’s stock: a man’s truth is his livelihood, his recommendation, his letters of credit.

The best thing Clinton could do — I think I wrote him a letter about this, but I’m not sure — is to shut up. Every time I turn that radio on, there’s Clinton, making a speech. And he makes speeches on a subject he doesn’t know anything about. He has no discipline.