“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”

Maybe it is only I, but conditions are such these days, that if you use studiously correct grammar, people suspect you of homosexual tendencies.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.

Most good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because nobody looks for them.

Now, look, baby, ‘Union’ is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.

[On the ringing of her doorbell or telephone:] What fresh hell is this?

It’s not the tragedies that kill us; it’s the messes.

Bewildered is the fox who lives to find that grapes beyond reach can be really sour.

You do what you can, and you do it because you should. But all you can do is all you can do.

Vice is nice, but liquor is quicker.

The writer’s way is rough and lonely, and who would choose it while there are vacancies in more gracious professions, such as, say, cleaning out ferryboats?

I hate almost all rich people, but I think I’d be darling at it.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If I ever own a restaurant, I will never allow the waiters to ask if the diners like their dishes. Particularly when they’re talking.

If music be the food of love play on give me excess of it.

He is rich enough who does not want bread.

Not living for food, but living for the sake of an ideal, that is the goal of education.

If I agree to dispose of any part of our land to the white people I would feel guilty of taking food away from our children’s mouths, and I do not wish to be that mean.

Poisoned food will look like nourishment to someone who is starving. The same principle applies to abusive relationships.