“Women and elephants never forget.”

I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.

There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

The cleverest woman on earth is the biggest fool on earth with a man.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)

I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

I don’t mind anything that’s written about me, as long as it’s not true.

If I didn’t care for fun and such, I’d probably amount to much. But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.

Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!

Honesty means nothing until you are tested under circumstances where you are sure you could get away with dishonesty.

People ought to be one of two things, young or dead.

If you looked for things to make you feel hurt and wretched and unnecessary, you were certain to find them.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.

Where unwilling dies the rose; buds the new another year.

The proper definition of a man is an animal that writes letters.

People’s hearts are like wild animals. They attach their selves to those that love and train them.

The animal needing something knows how much it needs, the man does not.

As long as man continues to be the ruthless destroyer of lower living beings he will never know health or peace. For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other.

The soul of man is divided into three parts, intelligence, reason, and passion. Intelligence and passion are possessed by other animals, but reason by man alone.

As long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seeds of murder and pain cannot reap the joy of love.

Man in his arrogance thinks himself a great work, worthy of the interposition of a deity. More humble, and I believe truer, to consider him created from animals.

Animals never worry about Heaven or Hell. Neither do I. Maybe that’s why we get along.