When humor goes, there goes civilization.
ERMA BOMBECKWhen my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can’t see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
ERMA BOMBECK