“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”

The only color I don’t have is navy brown.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.

I didn’t know much about golf growing up.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

What difference does the uniform make? You don’t hit with it.

I guess the first thing I should do is thank everybody who made this day necessary.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Losing is a learning experience. It teaches you humility. It teaches you to work harder. It’s also a powerful motivator.

There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em.

80 percent of the balls that don’t reach the hole, don’t go in.

I guess I’ve got a smart wife.

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

People for the most part can smell lies.

I told her I loved her and all. It was a lie, of course, but the thing is, I meant it when I said it. I’m crazy. I swear to God I am.

Time seems to be wasted more when someone seeks the truth in lies.

I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious.

Every man whose character traits all lie in the mean is called a wise man.

I’d rather be disappointed by the truth than satisfied with a lie.

Without lies, humanity would perish of despair and boredom