The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
JERRY SEINFELDWise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
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Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
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Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
JERRY SEINFELD