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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

Jerry Seinfeld

I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
JERRY SEINFELD

Bad Movie Sarcastic Stranger
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
JERRY SEINFELD

Bore Long Need Stories
When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
JERRY SEINFELD

Child Children Maturity Old Year
[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
JERRY SEINFELD

Engage Kind Normal People
That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
JERRY SEINFELD

Breakup Build Immunity Three Two
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
JERRY SEINFELD

Funny Humorous Music
What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
JERRY SEINFELD

Body Funny Inspirational Motivational Wax
You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
JERRY SEINFELD

Give Send Sweatpant World
This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
JERRY SEINFELD

Creative Idea Pursuit Want
Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
JERRY SEINFELD

Bless Life Torture
The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
JERRY SEINFELD

Comedian Funny Night Real
I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
JERRY SEINFELD

Car Crazy Years
There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
JERRY SEINFELD

Life More Obvious Shallow
The best revenge is living well.
JERRY SEINFELD

Bestt Live Revenge Well
Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
JERRY SEINFELD

People Series Television Year
I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
JERRY SEINFELD

Goal Life Marry Men New Wedding
I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
JERRY SEINFELD

Funny Marriage Voice Wife
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
JERRY SEINFELD

Essay Everything Know Well
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
JERRY SEINFELD

Compare Need Smart Wise
Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
JERRY SEINFELD

Crazy Death Idea Proven
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
JERRY SEINFELD

Love Magazines Medium Space
Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
JERRY SEINFELD

Amazing Broke Dog Funny Inspire
I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
JERRY SEINFELD

Coffee Emotion Make Somehow
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
JERRY SEINFELD

Flame Glowing Pain Popular Something
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
JERRY SEINFELD

Airline Beach Devices
I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
JERRY SEINFELD

Anything Cut Idea Time Witty
There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
JERRY SEINFELD

People Skill Socially Two

That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

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Popular Authors

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