Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
JERRY SEINFELDMagazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
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When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
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I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
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You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
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I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
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Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
JERRY SEINFELD