“One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.”

I never quite know when I’m not writing. Sometimes my wife comes up to me at a party and says, “Dammit, Thurber, stop writing.” She usually catches me in the middle of a paragraph.

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance – a sharp, vindictive glance.

Writers of comedy have outlook, whereas writers of tragedy have, according to them, insight.

Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.

Don’t get it right, just get it written.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they’ve been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Humor and pathos, tears and laughter are, in the highest expression of human character and achievement, inseparable.

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

There are two kinds of light – the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.

Reason is 6/7 of treason.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

History is replete with proofs, from Cato the Elder to Kennedy the Younger, that if you scratch a statesman you find an actor, but it is becoming harder and harder, in our time, to tell government from show business.

There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant Irish people.

It will make you feel as if you had not eaten, and you can drink as much as you like.

Can we just call them storm spirits?” Leo asked. “Venti makes them sound like evil espresso drinks.

In doing zazen it is desirable to have a quiet room. You should be temperate in eating and drinking, forsaking all delusive relationships. Setting everything aside, think of neither good nor evil, right nor wrong. Thus having stopped the various functions of your mind, five up even the idea of becoming a Buddha.

The age seems sore from excess of stimulation, just as a day or two after a thorough Debauch and long sustained Drinking-match a man feels all over like a Bruise.

Sex is as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.

Those who practice know whether realization is attained or not, just as those who drink water know whether it is hot or cold

I, being a revolutionist, know exactly what I want — and what I want now is a drink.