“I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.”

I do not believe in god because I do not believe in Mother Goose.

The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

To think is to differ.

I knew that it is out of the question to have honest, economical government while a few are inordinately rich and the great mass of men are poor. In fact, it is to be doubted if anything really worthwhile can be done until there is a fairer distribution of wealth.

There are two things that kill a genius – a fatal disease and contentment.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.

I am always suspicious of righteous indignation. Nothing is more cruel than righteous indignation.

Working people have alot of bad habits, but the worst of these is work.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure – that is all that agnosticism means.

Probably the undertaker thinks less of death than almost any other man. He is so accustomed to it that his mind must involuntarily turn from its horror to a contemplation of how much he makes out of the burial.

A criminal is someone without the capital to incorporate

The law does not pretend to punish everything that is dishonest. That would seriously interfere with business.

To say that the universe was here last year, or millions of years ago, does not explain its origin. This is still a mystery. As to the question of the origin of things, man can only wonder and doubt and guess.

I am simply an agnostic. I haven’t yet had time or opportunity to explore the universe, and I don’t know what I might run on to in some nook or corner.

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man’s freedom.