“I am sure of very little, and I shouldn’t be surprised if those things were wrong.”

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.

I am always suspicious of righteous indignation. Nothing is more cruel than righteous indignation.

Working people have alot of bad habits, but the worst of these is work.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure – that is all that agnosticism means.

Probably the undertaker thinks less of death than almost any other man. He is so accustomed to it that his mind must involuntarily turn from its horror to a contemplation of how much he makes out of the burial.

A criminal is someone without the capital to incorporate

The law does not pretend to punish everything that is dishonest. That would seriously interfere with business.

To say that the universe was here last year, or millions of years ago, does not explain its origin. This is still a mystery. As to the question of the origin of things, man can only wonder and doubt and guess.

I am simply an agnostic. I haven’t yet had time or opportunity to explore the universe, and I don’t know what I might run on to in some nook or corner.

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man’s freedom.

The world is made up for the most part of morons and natural tyrants, sure of themselves, strong in their own opinions, never doubting anything.

The truth is always modern and there never comes a time when it is safe to give it voice.

Ancestors do not mean so much. The rebel who succeeds generally makes it easier for the posterity that follows him; so these descendants are usually contented and smug and soft. Rebels are made from life, not ancestors.

An agnostic is a doubter. The word is generally applied to those who doubt the verity of accepted religious creeds of faiths.

In order to have enough freedom, it is necessary to have too much.

You’d be surprised how little I knew even up to yesterday

We had avoided discovery by the Sioux scouts, and we were confident of giving them a complete surprise.

It seems wisest to assume the worst from the beginning, and let anything better come as a surprise.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

Better to put things at the worst at first and reserve the best for a surprise.

Always do business as if the person you’re doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he’s not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

God often does His best work in us when He catches us by surprise and introduces a change that is completely against our own desire.

Some people can be reasoned into sense, and others must be shocked into it.