A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSEA miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhat do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSEI saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSEI was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhen the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
BOB MONKHOUSEWith my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSEI came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSEA tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSEAlthough I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
BOB MONKHOUSEI can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSEThey all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSE