My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSEWhen the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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I got my start in silent radio.
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I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
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A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
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I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
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Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
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I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
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With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
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Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
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Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
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I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSE