Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
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A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
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My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
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I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
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My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
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A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
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I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
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I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
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I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
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Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
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What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE