There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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The more you know the less the better.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
BILLY CONNOLLY