Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
BILLY CONNOLLYPolitically correct is the language of cowardice.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
BILLY CONNOLLY