To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALLI’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALL