I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALLAnd isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL