You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
BILL ENGVALLI know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
BILL ENGVALL