Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
BILL ENGVALLI called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL







