The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALLSo the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
BILL ENGVALL