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You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

Bill Engvall

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
BILL ENGVALL

Hamburgers Ketchup Shirts
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Belief Life Pain Suck
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny House Humor
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
BILL ENGVALL

Butter Peanut Sick Taste
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Distance Fun
I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL

Dork Fell Hunter Out Tree
I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Kids Teacher
So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALL

Catholics Communion Left Second
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Country Guy Sitting
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALL

Application Believe Process Wanted
I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Jacket Nope Replied Side Sign
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL

Bridges Car Hands
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL

Bus Doors Driver
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
BILL ENGVALL

Doors Home Rain Soaked
I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALL

Daughter Goes No Pick Puts Wife

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

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You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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